Sammy's dentist

Tomorrow Sammy has a dentist apt. again..I am feeling like a very bad parent and wondering how I could have changed her teeth. I thought that I was brushing her teeth better, flossing her teeth, but was I doing what I should have done? How could I have kept her from having to go through this painful process...All I can do right now is try to correct what is wrong and get the dentist to assist me in getting her teeth back in order. As a parent you feel very helpless in doing what is right for your children, but still failing. You feel very guilty and afraid..see Sammy has had to have a permanent tooth crowned at her young age, a tooth, baby, pulled before it was time to come out and another tooth filled. Tomorrow she has to have more work done on her other side of her mouth which is going to be more fillings. My other two children have had great teeth, no cavities for one and only one for the other....does she just have bad teeth, bad genes or something else, my fault, not getting her in the dentist sooner because of insurance, because of just putting it off thinking that I would call tomorrow or the next day to make an apt. What ever is the reason, I can only hope that I will improve the quality of her teeth and help her make sure that they stay in good condition from now on.....

Husbands

I came into our marriage with high hopes and full of love. I could see nothing but you and trusted no one but you. Despite family misgivings about our relationship, despite doubts about us staying together, my young age and your immaturity, we built a relationship that has survived a long deployment at the beginning, childbirth, getting out of the military with no job and another child on the way, coming back to your home town, robberies, loss of a child and the birth of another child...But the mistrust we have in our marriage threatens to destroy us. Why do you not trust me. Why do you not trust that I can handle things, to be able to take care of things here? I am not stupid, I am not unable to work, to pay bills and keep the household together..... why do you hide things, why is your AOL account such a big secret? How am I suppose to trust you, to show you love and to be able to support you fully..You act like that you can not trust me to take care of things while you are gone...you act like I am unable to do things...I can not keep doing this, I can not stay in this relationship if I do not feel trust from you or trust you. This is the foundation that a relationship is built upon...where is ours? At what point is enough? I still have that love for you, but that is not enough any more, I need the everything else, the unconditional trust, the affection, not just love and the communication, which we have none...

weary

Well. I have not written for a few days..it has been hectic...this is day number 2 on working for the weekend and surprise, when I woke up the air is out again...just great...lucky the kids were at the beach and were not home, but that is just great for them to come home to a hot house...It had gone out during the week while I was off work. I woke up to the house being almost 90 degrees. I called my friend in a panic and he called our ac guys, my guy who does my ac could not come out to see me...so David called his guy, who happens to be partners together..Dan dropped everything to come out and try to fix it....It worked for awhile, then went out again. I shut the whole system down and called my ac guy again who stated that he would come out the next day...in the mean time, my laundry is piling up to the point of being overwhelming...I decided at 1000 at night to take it to the laundry mat. at 200 am we are finally done, my daughter went with me...My husband called while I was there and proceeded to tell me how to take care of the ac, doing stuff that I have already done....we turned the unit off for the night, the house cooled down some and then the my ac guy showed up the next day...the unit was totally frozen over...we had to put the heat on to defrost it, push water up the drain pipe backwards to flush it and then use a wet dry vac to pull the water out...the unit then started working...so we are good until yesterday when I woke up to the house being 90 again...savanna then tells me that it had frozen up on her while I had been at work, but that she flushed the line and defrosted and it started to work again...well approx 30 min into doing the stuff all over again, the whole unit stopped working, no power to the unit...we tried the circuit breaker, nothing and no one could come out to me until tomorrow maybe, but more than likely Monday. My friend David called his ac guy, Dan, who said that that was unacceptable and would be out tomorrow, which is hopefully anytime now. He told me to trip the breaker off for the night. I sent the kids to Davids and Lori's house so they were comfortable...oh and by the way they have sunburns...of course I heard from Scott last night at work and he proceeded to let me have it...telling me to just shut up and listening, which is not like him...I tried to tell him what is going on, what we had done, but he did not want to listen, he wanted to tell me he knew what was wrong and that I needed to listen to him so he could help me fix it...after he did his little tizzy, I proceeded to tell him that I was not stupid, that I could handle stuff, that he was treating me like I was stupid and that I was causing the problems, that I would not listen and if I did, then things would be fine...he really pisses me off. every time he goes, he acts like we will just fall all apart when he leaves. That I am not capable of taking care of things and handling them..He gets an attitude and tells me that he would not have to ask all these questions to try to fix it, if I would just offer him all the information...I informed him, one, I am slightly busy trying to get it fixed, trying to work, trying to pay bills and trying to make sure the girls were taken care of, that I did email him the basic of the problem. I told him that if he did not have all the information, that before he just assumes that it is us that are screwing things up, ask questions. It is not always about us telling him every little detail...communication is on person tell another a story and then if the other person needs more information, then to ask in a nice manner for more details before assuming that someone is screwing up...needless to say, it is and was not a nice conversation for being million miles away and my air is still broke...

another day at work

Well another day at work. It was very busy as usual. I came onto shift and I was given two out of the four active labor patients on the floor. I am not sure why my charge nurse has it out for me. but she does. It is very frustrating to have someone out to "get" you. I am glad that I don't have to work with her all the time. I am not the only one that feels this way. When I came back to work at this dept., my manager told me that if I had a problem to come to see her. I made sure to have a meeting with her and this charge nurse, so I am sure that is one of the reasons that she is worse to me. I have not heard from my husband for a couple of days. This is starting to worry me. I know that he is very busy, but I want to hear from him. I came home and the living room is so clean. The girls cleaned it for me...I was so surprised and happy that they did this for me. They did laundry, put it away and cleaned up their bathroom. They are really helping out and helping out without being asked. I am so very proud of them..Even Sammy is helping out with stuff. My friend wants to try to a different hospital that is having a job fair. I don't know if I want to do this. I like to work with her and it makes it easier to have someone, but if I leave for the second time, I doubt that they would allow me to come back if something should happen. Plus the hospital is not in the same network, so I would loose time and grade. I would stay pool if they let me, but I don't know...as always that is another day, another tale and another time...so until then....me

new day

well today was more frustrating than yesterday. First, I could not sleep so I was up until 4am despite my medications. Then I over slept and did not go to church as planned. That upset me. Savanna did go to church today, so I was proud of her. I have been trying to sign into one of our accounts with success which has been very frustrating. I also had David asking me to go swimming after the girl concert, but I did not want to and he gave me a hard time with it. I do not have time every day to go swimming to go out to go to places, I still have to maintain the household and it gets very upsetting when he gives me a hassle about it. I don't always want to do something. The girls and I like to hang out at our own home. Plus Sabrina has a friend who is spending the night and she does not want to go to someones house to swim. She likes to be with her friend by herself, even without her sisters. I just want the girls to be able to have a good summer and not have any stress. For now, I have to go get ready for their concert.....

Day one

Life right now is very hectic. My husband is not with me and I am the only parent for the summer. Trying to run the household, run the bills, work and still give the girls what they need is proving to be more tough than it has been in years past. So far, I have been able to keep things together and even get the house cleaned back up. Suffering from depression these last couple of years has not helped. It has been easier to retreat to my room, sleep and not have to deal with things. It is interesting that now that I have to, I am fighting with my grief and keeping it down. I do not allow it to come up, though at times it is hard to fight the tears. I want my husband to be home, but I know that where he is right now is where he is meant to be, where he has to be and that when the time is right, he will be home to us. I want to keep the summer as normal as possible for the girls. I want to go to the movies, to shop, to the beach, to do our girlie things as much as possible while still trying to work. Since the two older girls have returned from their trip with the church, they have started helping me with the house. I cooked dinner for them tonight. It felt good doing it. I am not a very good cook, so I was very proud of myself doing this. I hope to do this more often. I organized our closets in my bedroom today which was quite an undertaking. I then cleaned the whole kitchen which felt good. I feel like I am starting to get a handle on this. I am hoping that the summer will go by very fast and that we will not have time to stop and miss him. I just look forward to the day that my family is once again whole, together and happy. Through prayers and god, we will make it through this.....