children

I don't know about you guys, but the generation of kids right now is so entitled. I am having so much trouble out of my 18 year old. I have been so at odds with her for the last couple of years, and now that she is an adult, she thinks that she does not need a curfew, that she does not need to help around the house and when she does, she is the only one who does anything, that she is a better mother than me. I will admit, my depression has gotten the better of me. I have taken to my bed and slept more than I need to. It is easier, at times, than dealing with the mess my life has gotten. My family does not understand the dx of fibromylgia, despite my teaching and getting them web sites, more information and the doctor telling them. They believe that I should just get up, go all day, work night shift and function swinging between the two time frames. Samantha is 10 1/2. I have been doing this since she was 3 months old. I am tired. I have tried to go to day shift, and I missed more of my family's life than I cared to. My oldest is pulling stuff that you and I would never do...She has run up my credit card, stays out to all hours of the night, if she comes home at all. She also has used bad language at both her father and myself. Now for you saying that we need to put her in her place or telling us, she should not get away with it, just try to discipline her. We have yelled, screamed, talked nice, grounded her, taken away her car, etc...She will act right for a few days to weeks and then back to the same way. I am to the point, I want her out of my house...I have told her she has to Friday to move out. I have given this child everything, looked the other way and basically tried to give her the life I never had...over compensation anyone. I did put her out of the house for three days while Scott was gone..my reward..she says I am a bad mom and Scott says it is not the answer and that I was wrong to do this...Two days ago, he was mad because she stayed out all night on new years eve. He did not sleep because he was so worried about her. She also did not come home several days after that until 3-4 in the morning. The last time he worked, 530 in the morning and she lied about it. He wanted me to talk to her, while the others were out of the house, hence the Friday deadline...He came home, still upset, they got into a screaming match and she proceeded to cuss him out...He took it like a champ...No he does not treat him like she does me..haha...Now he feels that she is going to mind her p/q...Last night we both worked, Sabrina did not go to bed until 330 because she could not sleep...her sister, not home...need I say more...and lets not forget the day I came home early with a h/a, Scott also was working...with her boyfriend at my house, in her room with the door closed...time 300 in the morning....

Life

School, house, life...I am not sure which way to turn any more. I have been fighting depression more and more lately. I look at what my house looks like and just retreat to my room and watch tv to go to that mindless place. I love my girls, they are great, make straight A's, they are involved in school and church with the arts. I am so proud of them, but around the house, they only do what they need to do when they need to. I have given to them everything they need and want. I know what people will say, take things from them, ground them, etc...well that works for awhile, and they straighten up, then right back where it started. I am having a hard time dealing with everything, catching up and just having energy. I love my husband, but his answer is to just suck it up and deal with it. Well that is not an answer. I use to suck stuff up, was very a type personality in cleaning and keeping things in order, but then with 4 other people in the house, I can not keep up. I hurt 24/7. I do not know which way to turn. I want to be out of pain, to be like I was in England. Always going and being happy. I have headaches almost every day. When I work 3 days in a row, I am in pain the next day and sometimes the next. I am not sure what my family wants, but I just wish they could be in my body, to feel the pain and the aches that I feel. I know the answer is not to go into myself, but sometimes it is so much easier that way. My husband just thinks it is my eating habits, or my hormones or etc. It is what it is, I have fibromylgia and it hurts. People who do not understand it or have knowledge of it just do not understand how much the effort is to just get out of bed, to work....I just want to stop hurting inside and out....

Life returns to normal

Well. I have not written in a long time...my sister-n-law says that I need to update this...so here we go....Scott has returned and we are getting back to normal...well what is normal really.....We are getting into a routine and things are much more settled here. Scott and I are doing just about everything together which is a switch for us...Use to he would take care of certain things and I would take care of others....This is a lot nicer and we seem to have found our nitch again. The children are a lot calmer and less at each other now that he is home. I am a traditional girl and believe in the family unit. I was raised that the men take care of the family and protect the family, while in my growing up the women did work and contribute to the house, it was still the man who was the protector. I believe in that even now and Scott is definitaly our protector. He makes me feel more safe and that everything will be ok. We have made an agreement that we will leave the past regrets, past hurt, past anger in the past. We can not change it and it has made us who we are today, but we are not going to bring it up, we are going to move on from here and we are determined to make sure that we are treating each other with respect and love. We are making decisions together and talking to each other. I realized that a lot of our issues were my issues from insecurity, low self esteem and my feelings of inadequacy. He is making sure to complient me, to spend alone time with me and making sure that I am doing ok. We just got back from a disney cruise trip. It was so much fun and I am so glad that we did. They really make it easy for a family to spend time together as well as having couples being able to spend time together. We spent a lot of time together and talked like we have not done in years...Now I am off to do my homework as I have started my BA degree online and it is so much work, more than I have done in years....

Sammy's dentist

Tomorrow Sammy has a dentist apt. again..I am feeling like a very bad parent and wondering how I could have changed her teeth. I thought that I was brushing her teeth better, flossing her teeth, but was I doing what I should have done? How could I have kept her from having to go through this painful process...All I can do right now is try to correct what is wrong and get the dentist to assist me in getting her teeth back in order. As a parent you feel very helpless in doing what is right for your children, but still failing. You feel very guilty and afraid..see Sammy has had to have a permanent tooth crowned at her young age, a tooth, baby, pulled before it was time to come out and another tooth filled. Tomorrow she has to have more work done on her other side of her mouth which is going to be more fillings. My other two children have had great teeth, no cavities for one and only one for the other....does she just have bad teeth, bad genes or something else, my fault, not getting her in the dentist sooner because of insurance, because of just putting it off thinking that I would call tomorrow or the next day to make an apt. What ever is the reason, I can only hope that I will improve the quality of her teeth and help her make sure that they stay in good condition from now on.....

Husbands

I came into our marriage with high hopes and full of love. I could see nothing but you and trusted no one but you. Despite family misgivings about our relationship, despite doubts about us staying together, my young age and your immaturity, we built a relationship that has survived a long deployment at the beginning, childbirth, getting out of the military with no job and another child on the way, coming back to your home town, robberies, loss of a child and the birth of another child...But the mistrust we have in our marriage threatens to destroy us. Why do you not trust me. Why do you not trust that I can handle things, to be able to take care of things here? I am not stupid, I am not unable to work, to pay bills and keep the household together..... why do you hide things, why is your AOL account such a big secret? How am I suppose to trust you, to show you love and to be able to support you fully..You act like that you can not trust me to take care of things while you are gone...you act like I am unable to do things...I can not keep doing this, I can not stay in this relationship if I do not feel trust from you or trust you. This is the foundation that a relationship is built upon...where is ours? At what point is enough? I still have that love for you, but that is not enough any more, I need the everything else, the unconditional trust, the affection, not just love and the communication, which we have none...

weary

Well. I have not written for a few days..it has been hectic...this is day number 2 on working for the weekend and surprise, when I woke up the air is out again...just great...lucky the kids were at the beach and were not home, but that is just great for them to come home to a hot house...It had gone out during the week while I was off work. I woke up to the house being almost 90 degrees. I called my friend in a panic and he called our ac guys, my guy who does my ac could not come out to see me...so David called his guy, who happens to be partners together..Dan dropped everything to come out and try to fix it....It worked for awhile, then went out again. I shut the whole system down and called my ac guy again who stated that he would come out the next day...in the mean time, my laundry is piling up to the point of being overwhelming...I decided at 1000 at night to take it to the laundry mat. at 200 am we are finally done, my daughter went with me...My husband called while I was there and proceeded to tell me how to take care of the ac, doing stuff that I have already done....we turned the unit off for the night, the house cooled down some and then the my ac guy showed up the next day...the unit was totally frozen over...we had to put the heat on to defrost it, push water up the drain pipe backwards to flush it and then use a wet dry vac to pull the water out...the unit then started working...so we are good until yesterday when I woke up to the house being 90 again...savanna then tells me that it had frozen up on her while I had been at work, but that she flushed the line and defrosted and it started to work again...well approx 30 min into doing the stuff all over again, the whole unit stopped working, no power to the unit...we tried the circuit breaker, nothing and no one could come out to me until tomorrow maybe, but more than likely Monday. My friend David called his ac guy, Dan, who said that that was unacceptable and would be out tomorrow, which is hopefully anytime now. He told me to trip the breaker off for the night. I sent the kids to Davids and Lori's house so they were comfortable...oh and by the way they have sunburns...of course I heard from Scott last night at work and he proceeded to let me have it...telling me to just shut up and listening, which is not like him...I tried to tell him what is going on, what we had done, but he did not want to listen, he wanted to tell me he knew what was wrong and that I needed to listen to him so he could help me fix it...after he did his little tizzy, I proceeded to tell him that I was not stupid, that I could handle stuff, that he was treating me like I was stupid and that I was causing the problems, that I would not listen and if I did, then things would be fine...he really pisses me off. every time he goes, he acts like we will just fall all apart when he leaves. That I am not capable of taking care of things and handling them..He gets an attitude and tells me that he would not have to ask all these questions to try to fix it, if I would just offer him all the information...I informed him, one, I am slightly busy trying to get it fixed, trying to work, trying to pay bills and trying to make sure the girls were taken care of, that I did email him the basic of the problem. I told him that if he did not have all the information, that before he just assumes that it is us that are screwing things up, ask questions. It is not always about us telling him every little detail...communication is on person tell another a story and then if the other person needs more information, then to ask in a nice manner for more details before assuming that someone is screwing up...needless to say, it is and was not a nice conversation for being million miles away and my air is still broke...

another day at work

Well another day at work. It was very busy as usual. I came onto shift and I was given two out of the four active labor patients on the floor. I am not sure why my charge nurse has it out for me. but she does. It is very frustrating to have someone out to "get" you. I am glad that I don't have to work with her all the time. I am not the only one that feels this way. When I came back to work at this dept., my manager told me that if I had a problem to come to see her. I made sure to have a meeting with her and this charge nurse, so I am sure that is one of the reasons that she is worse to me. I have not heard from my husband for a couple of days. This is starting to worry me. I know that he is very busy, but I want to hear from him. I came home and the living room is so clean. The girls cleaned it for me...I was so surprised and happy that they did this for me. They did laundry, put it away and cleaned up their bathroom. They are really helping out and helping out without being asked. I am so very proud of them..Even Sammy is helping out with stuff. My friend wants to try to a different hospital that is having a job fair. I don't know if I want to do this. I like to work with her and it makes it easier to have someone, but if I leave for the second time, I doubt that they would allow me to come back if something should happen. Plus the hospital is not in the same network, so I would loose time and grade. I would stay pool if they let me, but I don't know...as always that is another day, another tale and another time...so until then....me